Hitler Tweets

 

Inside Hitler’s Wolf’s Lair   February 1943

 

A previously unknown analogue recording of the Fuhrer in discussion with his Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has been found in the archives of the former USSR. Using our fleet of translators, Bleak Beauty is proud to be the first in the western world to publish this historic document verbatim.

 

Furher: I want to make an announcement, something really big. I want the entire world to listen. It will be huge. Fantastic. I love this announcement.

 

Goebbels: Yes, Mein Fuhrer, everything you say is huge, fantastic. World shaking.

 

Fuhrer: I want to announce that I have killed the Jews, those vermin, and the Gypsies, scum, and most of the Queers and perverts, and oh yes, the mentally ill, and especially the manic depressive, I can’t stand them.

 

Goebbels: Brilliant, Mein Furher, perfect timing as usually. Distract them from the imminent fall of Stalingrad and the capture of the entire sixth army.

 

Fuhrer: That scum Pauling!

 

Goebbels: The American’s have made big news of this.

 

Fuhrer: That cripple Jew Roosevelt! I hate him so much. I want to make a much bigger announcement. It will be beautiful. Prepare all the radio stations!

 

Goebbels: Mein Fuhrer, we have something better! Something bigger! Something that will reach every person on the entire globe.

 

Fuhrer: A new rocket? Something Herr Speer has hidden from me? My birthday present?

Goebbels: Nein mein Furher. Not a rocket. Something more powerful. It is called Twitter.

Fuhrer: Da Twitter? Vas is Das?

 

Goebbels: It reaches everyone everywhere in the world, instantly.

 

Fuhrer: Perfect! Here is my message; This is the Fuhrer speaking. I have killed all the Jews, all the Queers and all the Manic Depressives within my reach. I have conquered thirteen nations, and I will now destroy the entire world by burning all the coal we have taken from the Poles whom we have exterminated! Seig Heil.!

 

Goebbels: Mein Furher, that is a perfect brilliant message that is just what is needed to cheer up our troops, but it is too long, too many words.

 

Hitler: Its perfect. Because everything I do is perfect.

 

Goebbels: Twitter must be 140 characters, about twenty words.

 

Hitler: Angry, he spits and denounces Twitter. What is this Twitter shit! Get them on the line!

Goebbels: It is in Amerika, in California.

 

Hitler: Ja! OK. Here it is: This is da Furher. I have killed Jews, queers, and mentally ill. I crushed Poland and will now burn all their coal and destroy the world. That is exactly 128 characters.

 

Goebbels: This is so beautiful. This is why your people love you.

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